but sometimes things are so transparency, they don't need evidential proof

sigh...

the last two weeks have been insane/amazing/weird/exhausting/frustrating/encouraging.
high school camp was incredible... at times it was frustrating, but for the most part, it was a great week... i have never gotten on my face more for students than i did that week... i was encouraged and challenged to pray every day and did so with the other leaders during quiet time and at other times throughout the day. it was one of those weeks where we didn't see anybody come to know Christ (as a salvation experience) but we watched a lot of walls come down, a lot of baby steps (and sometimes giant leaps) toward God, and some knowledge gained... (and more than i could imagine, i'm sure - but this is the short list)

i got to spend time one-on-one with each student in our group... i saw all of them everyday as we shared meals together and talked about our days... the best word i can describe it as is intimate... the week had its fair share of problems and issues, but i walked away knowing the students a lot better and having a foundation to be able to be a part of the ministry as needed (and as i fit)...

we got on the bus to go to middle school camp... and i was driving the van... it's hard for me to drive and get to know students because i don't like to yell and i don't want to turn around... i like driving, but it can be isolating... so i didn't really feel like i got to know the students at all on the way there (and the way back was the same way as i was driving the mini-bus)...

we took a ton of kids to middle school camp and it was really hard to learn names (and faces, for that matter) - one kid came up to me at the end of the week and asked for a tylenol and i didn't remember seeing him at all before that. it was bizarre...

i had a good time, but i felt really disconnected... i got to be a part of m-fuge, so i was out on ministry site during the day and got to know the 3 students from our church who were in my group, but other than that, i don't think i did a really good job of connecting... and i was running around like crazy, not devoting the time to prayer that i should of...

on top of already feeling disconnected, i knew a few people on staff and spent some time with them, taking away time for students... the time that i spent with my friends was wonderful and definitely high lights of the week, but it made my connection with the students weak...

i had a great week, but mostly because of the conversations shared with a new-old friend who i hadn't seen in a few years... i was glad to have found that friendship... plus it was great to see my roommate (in real life) in camp mode and be able to share it with her...

right before i left camp i found out one of my favorite people in the world is staying at our house for a few days... and i get home and she arrives a couple of hours later... we hung out and talked and made a late night food run... and it was the best follow-up to a camp week i could imagine... intimate conversation about where we are in life and what we want... it was comforting to talk with someone who is in the same boat as me in many ways...

i went to church yesterday, hung out with my kids and had a great lunch with a couple of my favorite people... and my boss told me that i should take today and friday off... and i didn't argue with him, so i enjoyed sleeping in today and getting some much needed rest... then i went with cynthia to mfuge worship at belmont, which sparked further conversation... then i finally saw my roommate for the first time in july...

all of that to say, i feel like i'm right where i supposed to be in life... i'm in the right job (even though i still have bad days), in the right place in ministry, having new and old friendships that are incredible to me... i'm incredibly thankful for the journey i've been on and i'm looking forward to the next thing... but for now, it is easy to be good here...

weary...

much to say, too little energy...

i spent the last week in north carolina (ridgecrest) at camp with our high school students... it was incredible, not only because i was terrified of how the week might go and it turning out way better than i could have anticipated. i don't think i've ever loved students the way i love the students at clearview. they bring joy to my heart every time i see them. it's not just a handful of students. i seriously came home and was sad that i had to leave them. i hadn't planned on going to church tomorrow because i know exhaustion is about to get the best of me... and yet, when matt reminded the students about church in the morning and worship tomorrow night, i found myself wanting to go so that i could hang out with them again.

we had some issues at camp. it wasn't the easiest of weeks. there are many kids who were on the trip that were very hardened. i refuse to go into details, but i was really nervous about it... as we (the adults) got on our faces interceding for the students, it became apparent to me that they had won a special place in my heart and something big was about to happen. i am looking forward to seeing the ways that God is going to work in the lives of students in the next several months.

on the flip side of that, i caught a glimpse of my own spiritual immaturity and how easy it is for my flesh to take over. while at camp, something happened and i lost my temper. it wasn't an issue with the students and i didn't directly approach the situation, but knew i didn't handle it in the correct manner. immediately after realizing what i had done (or hadn't done), i felt very inadequate to be leading students at all. i'm so thankful for grace and God working through my inadequacies.

we got home this evening and i've been trying to play catch up with emails and phone calls. a lot has happened in the last week and i'm really just ready to curl up in my bed and sleep my life away... but that's not really a complete possibility...

pray for continued strength and energy for me. i have to leave my house at about 5:00 a.m. on monday morning for middle school camp... there's a lot going on and i know i need to be all there for the students. i know it will be great and i know i will be completely exhausted this time next week. how did i work fuge staff for entire summers?

i am so tired... i must go... i will try to have stories sometime soon... hopefully i'll be able to remember them.